You are going to be dead a lot longer than you were alive, so it’s important to make the most of your afterlife. These books will ease your transition into undeath and make sure every day is the day of the dead.
When Bad Things Happen to Dead People
Your best friend has been exorcised, your ghoulfriend has been burned at the stake, and your cousin Vlad has had an unfortunate run-in with the local carpenter. What’s the point of the afterlife if bad things happen? You might be tempted to waste your afterlife on River Styx booze cruises or spend all your time watching fallen angel cage-matches at the Helldome, but don’t take the easy way out. Prometheus, Hieronymus Bosch, and Elvis explain how they came to terms with their suffering and turned their afterlives around. Remember to take pleasure in the little things – the sound of rain on a roof made from bones, a hellhound puppy playing in the snow, a fabulous sequined coffin interior.
It’s More Than a Flesh Wound: Accepting the Reality of Your Post-Life Condition
It’s hard to believe that something that has never happened to you before has come true, but it’s time to face facts – you’re bereft of life. Provides simple and practical guidelines on how to relinquish attachments to loved ones.
Death Neat
The Japanese guide to decluttering your death. Tidy coffin = healthy corpse. Does that bloody dagger in your back really bring you joy?
So You’ve Been Publicly Executed
Sometimes the manner of your death is deeply embarrassing and humiliating. Even if you were nominated for a Darwin Award or begged your enemies for mercy, don’t let your last minutes on Earth define your afterlife. Highlights people whose last words invited mockery but who managed to achieve post-life greatness.
The Real Zombie Survival Guide
We all know the statistics. Hundreds of zombies get massacred every day by the uncaring living. Do you have a plan to survive the living apocalypse? Shopping malls, supermarkets and hospitals might sound inviting, but expect high casualty rates. Stay away from anyone armed with a katana or a crossbow. The chapter dealing with the problems with fast food should be required reading for all the shuffling dead.
The Hero With a Thousand Facelifts
Just because you’re dead it doesn’t mean you can’t look your best. Crammed full of practical beauty tips for those who can’t see their own reflections.
The Modern Ghoul’s Guide to Yoga
There’s nothing more embarrassing than going on a date and having a piece of your flesh fall off. Regular exercise is a more cost effective way of keeping your body supple than bathing in the blood of virgins. Reduce the chance of losing a bodily appendage when you need it most.
Chicken Blood for the Soul: the Vampire’s Guide to Giving up Humans
101 uplifting stories of how vampires overcame adversity, lost weight, and decreased their blood pressure by switching to chicken blood. Don’t let the myths spread by the Dracula-Lilith Industrial Complex fool you. Chicken blood is a viable alternative to human blood and most importantly – angry chickens aren’t going to break into your crypt in the middle of the day if you kill their relatives.
Teach Yourself Web Site Programming in 21 Centuries
Sisyphus isn’t rolling a rock up a hill any more. These days he’s learning web programming frameworks. Just when he thinks he’s mastered one, out comes the next version. And you can bet that code won’t be backwards compatible. This textbook has plenty of tips for navigating your way through the labyrinth of web site programming frameworks and libraries. Also recommended are Visual Basic Programming for the Damned and The Haunter’s Guide to Defeating Spiritual Firewalls.
Styx and Stone: Building, Renovating, and Decorating Your Nightmare Home
You need this book if your pyramid heating costs are going through the roof. Learn how to make sure your castle’s torches burn forever and how to choose the right spider webs for your attic. The chapter on soundproofing your basement will make things easier the next time a gang of sexy teenagers invade your home.
Some readers might be wondering why Eat, Grave, Haunt isn’t on this list, but that book is self-indulgent and perpetuates the myth that ghosts need someone to haunt to find happiness. You have your whole death ahead of you. Don’t waste it on the living.